


Troy and Abed's Post-Apocalyptic Holiday Show

by foxtwin



Category: Community
Genre: Apocalypse, Cameos, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Drugs, End of the World, Gen, Humor, Inspector Spacetime - Freeform, Metafiction, Snow and Ice, Troy and Abed in the Morning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 02:14:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtwin/pseuds/foxtwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Troy and Abed in the Morning" goes Prime-Time at Greendale, December 25, 2012.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Troy and Abed's Post-Apocalyptic Holiday Show

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hellosweetie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellosweetie/gifts).



_Theme Song Plays (Cue Title Card):_ **"Troy and Abed in the Mor-ning"**

_(Quick cut to Troy and Abed in the Library)_

_**Abed:**_ Good morning, Greendale. If it isn't the end of the world yet, and you're watching this show, I hope you’ve filled your coffee mugs with steaming hot coffee from Greendale’s own Hot and Brown.

_**Troy:**_ Got mine right here. And it’s hot...

_**Abed:**_ Ah...but is it brown? 

_**Troy:**_ Yes! (looking down, concerned) But it’s got a little white floaty thing in....

_**Abed:**_ Must be the creamer. Have you heard the latest rumor? 

_**Troy:**_ That we’re recording this only a few weeks into the spring semester so that it can air during the week before winter break, 2012, but it will probably never air because the world is supposed to end?

_**Abed:**_ No. The other one that's even more implausible.

_**Troy (perking up):**_ I sure have! Greendale’s own Star-burns wants to open an alternative coffee shop of his own: 

_**Abed & Troy:**_ The Coffee Pot!

_**Abed:**_ And if you don’t think that’s an ironic name, he brewed some of his gourmet alternative coffee yesterday for everyone in the study group to sample -- and it tasted like....

_**Troy:**_ We’d better move on, Abed. This morning we have with us in the Library a rather important message from Dean Pelton. Welcome, Dean.

_**Dean Pelton:**_ Is this on? Hello, Greendale students. This is just a reminder that with the holidays approaching, you’ll want to stop by the school store and pick up a special holiday gift, like the new Solachristahannukwanzaastice mugs. Only five dollars each!

_**Troy (puzzled):**_ The Soul-a-Christa-Muthuh-What-is-This?

_**Dean Pelton (cheerily):**_ Solachristahannukwanzaastice. It’s Hot  & Brown's way of honoring all of our favorite holidays rolled into one: Christmas and Hanukkah for our Judeo-Christian friends, Kwanzaa for our African American brothers and sisters, and for our wonderful earth-conscious neo-pagans, the winter Solstice. This way everyone can enjoy the holiday spirit at Greendale. The mugs are great for tea or coffee -- or really any beverage you might want to put into it. They’re made of 100% natural and recyclable materials -- nothing artificial here -- and are available in the totally awesome earth-neutral colors of tan, beige and brown with a distinctive, artistically rendered, all-inclusive logo! All from the _only_ coffee shop on campus: Hot  & Brown!

_**Troy:**_ Get ‘em while they’re hot!

_**Abed:**_ ...And brown! 

_**Troy:**_ Greendale, you heard it here first. 

_**Abed & Troy (spontaneously singing a capella):**_ Hot-and-Brown-Coffee-Mugs-for-Sale-in-the- _School_ -Store!

_**Troy:**_ You know Abed, one of the things this holiday season reminds me of is snow. 

_**Abed:**_ You’re right. But if the world is over, the snow around here won't be falling from the sky, will it? To help us with that, we’ve brought in our own Pierce Hawthorne who will help us understand why this is the case.

_**Pierce (annoyed):**_ Do I have to do this? _(Looking off camera at the show's writers)_ Is this in my contract? It is? Damn. Yet another thing to bring up at my next meeting with Dan! _(Looking back at the camera)_ There’s actually a lot of snow at the coffee shop, if you consider powdered dairy creamer snow. The stuff tastes like..well, never mind that. Honestly, I can’t wait for that Star-burns guy to open his alternative shop. His creamer would be the real snow, if you know what I mean. None of this floaty crap. _(To Troy)_ Hey! Maybe Shirley could make those special brownies and sell them at the new coffee shop. And did you know the swizzle sticks melt?

_**Abed:**_ The weather report, Pierce.

_**Pierce:**_ Oh, yeah. Right. _(Looking through notes handed to him by the Sony Executive)_ Cloudy, with a chance of meatballs. _(Recognizing an error)_ Oh. No...that’s the movie stuff. _(Shuffling papers)_ Weather...weather...Oh, yeah, here it is. _(Reading from copy)_ Snow in the mountains over the holidays, with rain and a few scattered flurries on campus. _(Looking at the camera)_ That means we won’t have a white Christmas, no offense to either of you darkies. _(Looking off camera)_ Am I done, yet? Good. I have to go to the bathroom, and my B-V-Ds are riding up my crotch.

_**Troy (watching Pierce leave, then finding the camera):**_ With the coming holidays...

_**Abed:**_...With or without snow...

_**Troy:**_ ...Many find themselves without the comforts of home.

_**Abed:**_ No bed. No food. No video games. No DVD special editions with extra bonus features. No flannel pajamas to keep their legs warm at night...

_**Troy:**_ Exactly! And this is why our own Britta Perry has started a campaign right here at Greendale to stop homelessness once and for all.

_**Abed:**_ And here she is, to tell us all about it. _(Camera zooms out to capture Britta sitting next to Abed.)_ Hi Britta.

_**Britta:**_ Hi, Abed. Hi, Troy. Yes, homelessness is a big problem. Even here on campus, we have students who just cannot find a decent place to live. You’ll see them sleeping on benches all over campus. Some stay at the library all day because they don’t have a decent home. 

_**Abed:**_ Awful. Just awful.

_**Britta:**_ Damn straight! Abed, do you know where most of our poor homeless students spend all their waking hours? The lecture halls! More than 3,000 students surveyed said they would rather be in bed than in class. And of those students, more than half said they don’t have a decent bed to sleep in! And do you know who purchased those sub-par beds? Our own Dean Pelton!

_**Abed:**_ My, oh my.

_**Britta:**_ And you know what else? When I approached him about the issue, he said he'd take care of it. But he hadn't, until my associates and I turned up the heat.

_**Abed:**_ A travesty. Did you make any headway?

_**Britta:**_ Yes. After some long, difficult hours of negotiations, Dean Pelton has assured me that any student wanting decent dormitory accommodations may have them, with brand new beds and 500-thread-count sheet sets. But investigative reporter, Annie Edison, has uncovered a little known fact. _(Looking off camera)_ Do we have the remote camera set up yet? Good. 

_(Cut to Annie outside of Dean Pelton’s office; Dean Pelton standing by)_

_**Annie:**_ Britta -- I’ve just learned that an overwhelming number of students at Greendale are forced to seek out the lecture rooms, just to get some much needed rest, because their dorm rooms are infested with mice, cockroaches, maggots and vermin attracted by discarded candy wrappers and empty beer cans left there by inconsiderate roommates. In effect, their own roommates have made these otherwise content Greendale students homeless! _(Shoving a microphone into Dean Pelton's face)_ Dean Pelton, what are you doing about this enormous problem?

**_Dean Pelton:_** Are we rolling? _(Adjusts glasses and looks into camera awkwardly to check himself in camera’s reflection)_

_**Annie:**_ You’re live and on air.

_**Dean Pelton (straightening himself and looking serious):**_ As you well know, Annie, we’ve organized several teams of security personnel to monitor dorm rooms around the clock through our Roommate Re-Routing Program. I call it the Three-R’s for short. Anyone with a legitimate dorm assignment, unscrupulously evicted from their rooms by well-meaning but insensitive individuals, will be given a dorm room with pre-approved, sensitivity trained roommates who have proven themselves clean, tidy, and welcoming. 

_**Annie:**_ And how many have been helped so far under this new plan?

_**Dean Pelton:**_ Well, I am not at liberty to say. Confidentiality issues and such. But I _can_ say it’s more than the fingers on my left hand (though not much more). 

_**Annie (confidently):**_ There you have it. Straight from Dean Pelton himself, that more than five students have already been assisted through Greendale’s “Roommate Re-Routing” Program. 

_**Dean Pelton (mouthing into the camera behind Annie):**_ Six.

_**Annie:**_ Back to you, Britta. 

_**Britta:**_ Even with the Dean’s efforts, five students out of more than 3,000 is nothing, Abed!

_**Abed:**_ Six. I know. A shame.

_**Britta:**_ A shame? Abed...have you seen what the security personnel are actually doing to make this happen? It’s terrible! Invading privacy, engaging in corruption. _(Looking off camera)_ Roll that video I gave you.

_**Annie (Voice-over controversial, blurry, hidden-camera video):**_ As you can plainly see, security personnel are storming selected dorm rooms and threatening students to comply with the dean’s mandate. Here you see an honors student repeatedly struck on the shoulder by Security Guard Chang because he wouldn’t respect his roommate. Way to go, Chang!

_**Britta (voice-over, hushed):**_ Hey, that’s Jeff. Is he bleeding? You said there wouldn’t be any violence.

_**Annie (voice-over, hushed):**_ Not really. It’s all a set-up to get Greendale students to recognize the seriousness of the situation. We added some of those fake blood pellets for effect. Pretty realistic, huh. _(Normal voice-over volume)_ Here, Security Guard Chang brings two roommates back together. So, as you can see, our security personnel at Greendale are taking measures to responsibly intimidate students for a good cause. _(Video ends. Camera goes back to Abed & Britta)_

_**Abed:**_ Thanks, Annie. Thanks, Britta. It’s good to see our nemesis Chang doing something positive for a change. 

_**Troy (Camera close-up):**_ Positive is good. And speaking of positive role models, we have a special treat for everyone out in Greendale Land -- provided the world hasn't exploded. Dropping into our time from another dimension, going where only a few British time travelers and a lot of Blorgons have gone before, it’s...

_**Abed (Dressed as Inspector Spacetime, using a British accent ):**_ Inspector Spacetime, at your service. If you’ll give me a moment to comment on that last newsworthy segment, that young reporter you had...

_**Troy:**_ Britta? The one sitting with us?

_**Inspector Spacetime:**_ No. That other reporter with the dean of your college in the video. Her face and voice...They’re quite...familiar. 

_**Troy:**_ Oh. You mean Annie. 

_**Inspector Spacetime:**_ Annie. Yes. She reminds me, however remotely, of someone I have worked with in the past...or is it the future? Perhaps she is one and the same, just a parallel version who lives in a parallel dimension, enrolled in a school very similar to this one. Perhaps even one and the same. Because, as you know, it’s never a question of where, but when!

_**Troy:**_ Exactly. _(Looks at his watch)_ Oh, dear. I’m sorry to have to cut you off Inspector, but it looks like our time for this show is almost up...

_**Inspector Spacetime:**_ Nonsense! Time stops for no man. It just keeps on slipping...slipping...slipping...into the future.

_**Troy:**_ Work with me here. The Sony execs are going to cut us off in about 20 seconds. _(Looks off camera, then quickly turns back and smiles at the camera)_ Thanks for watching our pre-holiday special. Join us soon for our New Year’s Eve Soiree! You’ve been watching...

_**Troy & Inspector Spacetime (singing operatically in British accents):**_ Troy and Inspector Spacetime in the Mor-ning!

**_Inspector Spacetime (waving with a gloved hand):_** Until next ti...

_(Quick cut to black)_


End file.
